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A Black Bound Tome: The Journals of Rinnaelle Ravensald

by Captain Gilneas on Jun 25, 2015 at 09:59 AM}
Entry Five:

Tenacity is a trait that I don't expect from others. It's been said that I am tenacious to a fault. It's been said that my unwillingness to give up has had a detrimental impact on many of the goals I chase after. I know no other way though. It's the fight that drives me and tenacity is it's own fight. We must fight for what we want in life, we must fight to achieve our goals, and must fight for the people we love - even the outcome may not be the one we want. My tenacity to pursue my heart destroyed my friendship with Lord Graveshire. My tenacity to know the truth of Lord Hargrave's actions may just get me killed. My tenacity to ensure that Sir Varill's sacrifice was not in vain has and is driving me to be a better person, even if I am loathe to show that woman to others.

I tenaciously present the worst aspects of myself so that there are lowered expectations of me. It's not that I think I am incapable of rising to a higher expectation, I fear disappointing those who have invested time and effort into my well-being, I fear disappointing myself and yet, each time I present myself as a crass, uneducated, Gilnean soldier I am a disappointment to myself. What's odd about that is how many still fight for that guarded facade. Either they are able to see through it, or they are drawn to those rough edges.

I feel that the time to shed that facade and rise up to be the woman I can and aim to be has come. Baron Erich Manstein has accepted me along with another woman, as his squire. Due to his age, he will be training us in the Light alone. He has asked me to train the other squire, a woman known only as Harper, in martial combat. Harper has found amusement in my rough edges, I see it in her expressions and her smile. She doesn't understand that in order to ensure her survival, she will hate me as much as I hope she comes to value out comraderie. I was taught to fight relentlessly. To let nothing get past your armor. I was taught to only give up when you are dead. And I was taught that your enemy is never your friend. She'll find that when we step into sparring grounds, she is not my friend. She is my student. I've already dislocated her jaw and I fear that I will break her many more times in this process, but she will learn.

And she will be strong.

She has the same tenacity that I have. I didn't expect to see it, but I will embrace her for it. I will ensure that when she steps into a battlefield, she will walk off it. Alive.

Harper is not the only example of tenacity that has surprised me recently. As of late, I have been actively pursued by a Stromic man named Vangrim. He calls himself 'the Imminent' but is known as the 'War Chef'. His tenacity earned him a date, if it meant he'd go away. But he has not gone away. As much as he annoys me at times, his interest in me has reinforced a reminder that I do not need to fight for the love of a man who can never return the emotion. He has shown me in beautiful and awkwardly chaste ways that I am a woman of elegance and beauty. Through his eyes, I can see myself and I know what I am.

I am a strong Gilnean woman of unexpected intelligence, and a great beauty. And while I have never relied on my beauty, nor thought much on it, I know that I am.

His rough edges have softened mine. I do not forsee a long-term future with him, but his company is enjoyable. Tomorrow, he will be taking me to purchase armor for my fellow squire so that she may come to her lessons prepared. He is proving to be a strong friend and ally.

While I have seen the face of the simplicity and subtle life I want once I have become the woman I know resides inside me, Vangrim has reminded that she is there.

Training will take me away from sleeping on the benches of the Cathedral, but I am still drawn to them in hopes that I will see Sir Varill one more time. So that I can tell Sir Varill what I have learned, that his efforts will be continued by the Baron Manstein. It would break apart of me to see that he has lost hope in me. He may no longer be my mentor on this path, but I tenaciously seek out his guidance still. Our path together has not ended, I feel that it is an absolute.

The College of Canons has accepted me. Baron Manstein is squiring me. I will not fail you, Sir Varill.

The Light guides me.


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