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Reflections: Big Girls Don't Cry

by Rennali Sunwhisper on Mar 01, 2012 at 07:59 AM}
March 1st

It is wrong for a bishop to cry. We are meant to be the pillar of peace and serenity for the rest of the congregation - a thick layer of skin that covers up our body and makes us impervious to any emotional attack. Why does writing that make me feel as if I am slipping into some inhumane state? I don't want to lose connections with my brothers and sisters, but if I were to be the way my heart feels, I know that I wouldn't be looked up to for much longer. Times I have found myself teetering on the brink of losing myself to the hatred and darkness, but I have stayed my tongue and felt that bitterness fester in the depths of my heart. When head back to my small house on the skirts of the citadel, I fall into my bed and find myself crying uncontrollably. If the Light wishes to teach me something, I will listen to the best of my ability. I'm just not sure how much longer I will be able to withstand wearing two masks.

Tenevus is a strong-willed man. I know this to be true. Working with him in the Regiment, he seemed to have a clear, cool head about things - even when the situation could have possibly driven a normal man to questionable piety. I respected him for keeping an optimistic view about things and I found myself drawn to him at one point. But now as I see him for what he is beneath the shiny armour, I am not so certain that he is the man he makes everyone believe he is. There are many things about the church that I find disagreeable. Things that should probably change as they are outdated. However, the things he teaches are contradictory and heretical. Why would a Paladin "adjust" the tenets to suit their needs? This is where confusion and darkness can enter. I've tried to explain this to him but he seems sucked into his own fantasy of what things should be. I fear that when he comes to teach the younger generation of Paladins, he will instill the idea that they don't need the Mother Church. Such things would break my heart.

Watching him accuse people and watching his "Silver Hand" Paladins become their own power-play political movement has broken my heart. Their ill-fated decisions have become public knowledge - as has the Prioress' and my decision when we threw them from the Abbey. Never had I the idea to remove them to keep them from doing or saying something untoward - but I suppose that the new Paladin teachings neglect to push for common decency and thinking before you act or speak. I watched - in the walls of Father Faol's home - as they desecrated the very foundations upon which Paladins were created. I wanted to scream: You were once priests! You were once scholars and men who knelt before the altar for days at a time to meditate on the will of the Light! What happened to you?

They wouldn't listen even if I had. I know this.

Now Paladins are viewed as being nothing more than Light-flinging, hammer-wielding bullies. were it my choice, I would demand that all Paladins practice themselves as Priests before being able to advance into the use of armour and maces. Teach them from the beginning. Make them don the habit at all times and teach them a bit of humility. Father Drakewing was correct when he wrote in the Book of Second Beginnings: "...we wear the habit and sandals to speak that without any clothes, we would still have faith and that would be enough." Bless you, Aros.

Naevius... Naevius... Naevius... Out of the darkness and into the sun. Who could have ever expected that the beast could learn to be a kind individual? Since he and I spoke - albeit it being forced by the hand of his daughter Mareleth - he has proven to me that perhaps he wasn't the angry, dark-seeded individual that I initially believed him to be. I know the story about the Scarlet Remnants. He told me the whole truth and didn't flinch once when he told me the story. Mind you, I hadn't known Sir Lothnil or Sir Corinthal had anything to do with it (although it isn't really surprising), but I feel in my heart he is innocent. Perhaps it is my womanly nature getting the best of my mind, but, I look upon him and I have no fear. When he revealed to me his true face - the one beneath the mask - I knew him. As he removed his mask, I lifted my own and revealed myself to him. There, at the waters of the falls, we shared our true selves and I believe now that my faith in him is increased exponentially.

With every peace there is an urge to cry. However, just when the darkness begins to sink in, the sun comes to shine upon it and I happily open the windows to let it in.

Someday, I will see the church restored to its former glory. Someday.
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